An Impossible Dream

Long distance running gives you a lot of time to think. On my long run this Sunday, in the pouring rain, I had a particularly deep think. Recently I've been feeling overwhelmed by this challenge, feeling as though my body can't take it and my mind doesn't have the strength to persevere. But then I realised all the things I have achieved so far this year. I completed a half marathon in a personal best time, I secured my dream job, and I finally managed to disclose my history with an eating disorder. For so long I've felt that I've been walking down a dark tunnel, too scared to walk further into the dark, but knowing with every step may come an opportunity. I've felt lost. But everyone gets scared. And often our greatest achievements come out of facing that fear. For me, I feel like in the last couple of months, the doors have starting opening in that dark tunnel and light has come pouring in. I've faced up to the thing I was most scared of; telling people about my past anorexia. And it has been such a weight off my shoulders. I look back now, and wonder what on earth I was ever scared of. But that's the thing about fear, it's often irrational. Facing fear is hard, but overcoming it can reap rewards.
I used to work in the alumni office at university, and a lot of the alumni I called were fairly elderly. One women once gave me some good advice, that has stuck with me. She said "you will never look back on your life and wish you spent more time cleaning." Now she wasn't saying don't clean your house or anything. She was telling me to live every second of my life, and prioritise the important things. Life really is short, and it is a gift, and so we should live it to its fullest. And I know that this marathon is a way in which I'm living my life as much as possible. I missed out on a lot as a teenager, due to my eating disorder. Those are times I will never get back, and that's ok, because I'm making up for it now, by achieving things I never thought possible.
I think what I'm trying to say is have hope. If you have something in your life that is challenging you at the moment, you will get through it. And if you have dreams and goals that feel impossible, try and do them anyway. Because you may achieve what seems impossible to you. You may change your life. You may do more than you ever thought you would. At 17, I thought I'd always be anorexic. I was so wrong. My impossible dream of recovery was more possible than I thought.

Time to marathon: 4 weeks and 5 days

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