An Impossible Dream

Long distance running gives you a lot of time to think. On my long run this Sunday, in the pouring rain, I had a particularly deep think. Recently I've been feeling overwhelmed by this challenge, feeling as though my body can't take it and my mind doesn't have the strength to persevere. But then I realised all the things I have achieved so far this year. I completed a half marathon in a personal best time, I secured my dream job, and I finally managed to disclose my history with an eating disorder. For so long I've felt that I've been walking down a dark tunnel, too scared to walk further into the dark, but knowing with every step may come an opportunity. I've felt lost. But everyone gets scared. And often our greatest achievements come out of facing that fear. For me, I feel like in the last couple of months, the doors have starting opening in that dark tunnel and light has come pouring in. I've faced up to the thing I was most scared of; telling people about my past anorexia. And it has been such a weight off my shoulders. I look back now, and wonder what on earth I was ever scared of. But that's the thing about fear, it's often irrational. Facing fear is hard, but overcoming it can reap rewards.
I used to work in the alumni office at university, and a lot of the alumni I called were fairly elderly. One women once gave me some good advice, that has stuck with me. She said "you will never look back on your life and wish you spent more time cleaning." Now she wasn't saying don't clean your house or anything. She was telling me to live every second of my life, and prioritise the important things. Life really is short, and it is a gift, and so we should live it to its fullest. And I know that this marathon is a way in which I'm living my life as much as possible. I missed out on a lot as a teenager, due to my eating disorder. Those are times I will never get back, and that's ok, because I'm making up for it now, by achieving things I never thought possible.
I think what I'm trying to say is have hope. If you have something in your life that is challenging you at the moment, you will get through it. And if you have dreams and goals that feel impossible, try and do them anyway. Because you may achieve what seems impossible to you. You may change your life. You may do more than you ever thought you would. At 17, I thought I'd always be anorexic. I was so wrong. My impossible dream of recovery was more possible than I thought.

Time to marathon: 4 weeks and 5 days

PLEASE SPONSOR ME AT www.justgiving.com/abinichollruns

Coventry Half Marathon

This Sunday, as part of my training, I completed the Coventry Half Marathon. It was probably the smallest race I've ever taken part in, with only around 4000 runners. It was advertised as a fairly flat route (all lies!), and was definitely easier than the Birmingham half marathon that I've completed twice now.
The race went well, up until just before mile 10. I'd ran the whole thing and kept a consistent pace and was feeling good. However, around mile 10 my injured knee started to really hurt, and so the last three miles were a real struggle, with a lot of walking. However, I crossed the line in a personal best time of 2:46:33, 15 minutes faster than my previous best.
I'm not sure how I'm ever going to complete twice that distance in one go. It still seems like a huge task! But I did recover very quickly from the race, with only very minor soreness the following day. So that's a positive. Hopefully, these last few weeks of training will be a success, and allow me to actually complete a whole marathon.

Oh and if you would sponsor me, I'd very much appreciate it! www.justgiving.com/abinichollsruns

Time to marathon: 5 weeks and 3 days

Anorexia Nervosa: My Story

I’ve written this blog post about 30 times in my head already. But every time I sit at my laptop to actually write it I just can’t seem to. I think it’s because I’m still ashamed of this part of myself. So much stigma still exists around eating disorders, that I hide the fact that as a teenager, I had one. It’s not something I like to think about or talk about, and so writing this post is very difficult for me. I think I’ve been approaching it the wrong way, so I’m trying a different approach. The scientist in me is going to take this from a scientific perspective. I’m not going to talk a huge amount about my own experience, not yet anyway, and I may never do. It is part of my life I would rather forget, but I’m using my experience to try and make a difference to others with eating disorders. So here goes.

There are currently four recognised eating disorders in the UK: bulimia nervosa, binge-eating disorder, EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) and anorexia nervosa. Roughly 1% of women will develop anorexia nervosa at some point in their life. At the age of 15, I found that I had become that one in a hundred.

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all the mental illnesses, with up to 20% of anorexics dying from it. Death is usually due to complications, mainly heart failure, though a small percentage are due to suicide. Around 50% of those with anorexia also have major depressive disorder, something I also experienced. For those of you who know little about anorexia I shall attempt to explain a little about the illness. There are many symptoms of anorexia nervosa; I experienced almost all of them. These include:

-          Severe weight loss (BMI below 17.5)

-          Sleeping problems

-          Tiredness

-          Dizziness

-          Feeling cold

-          Amenorrhoea

-          Hair loss

-          Irritability

-          Perfectionism

-          Concentration difficulties

-          Feeling genuinely fat when you are actually underweight (body dysmorphia)

-          Excessive exercising

-          Ritual behaviours

Anorexia affects the entire body, with the following complications very commonly occurring:

-          Low white blood cell count

-          Anaemia

-          Lowered immune system functioning

-          Loss of heart muscle

-          Poor circulation

-          Low blood pressure  

-          Osteoporosis (weakened bones)

These complications and symptoms are all fully reversible, if treatment is provided early on in the course of the illness. When people at school noticed my extreme weight loss, the school contacted my mum, who took me straight to the doctors. At the doctors I was told I probably had an eating disorder but the waiting list for treatment was 6 months. Now 6 months is more than enough time for anorexia to kill you. And it’s a long time for complications to develop. Fortunately, my family has access to private health insurance through my mum’s work. So I saw an eating disorder specialist very quickly, and was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. My treatment involved frequent visits with the specialist, as well as weekly counselling to help me work through the way I was feeling. I’m not going to go into how I got better. Let’s just say it was a very long, very difficult journey that I got through due to expert help and the most wonderful support from my family. I was very lucky, my anorexia lasted just under 3 years from onset to full recovery. I was one of those in the 46% of anorexics who make a full and complete recovery. And for me, running has totally transformed the way I view food. Food is necessary fuel now; if I don’t eat enough I can’t run far enough. It’s totally transformed my life. Not everyone is as fortunate as I was, however. Not everyone has the access to private healthcare that I had. For some, that 6 months waiting list is their reality, and some of those will die. This is where b-eat comes in.

B-eat are the leading UK eating disorders charity. They fund vital research into the causes of eating disorders and development of treatments. Since recovering, I’ve been on their research mailing list, which means I take part in a lot of their research as a recovered anorexic. But they also run support groups for those with eating disorders. They provide information and support for the families and friends. In short, b-eat are a lifeline for some families. In my recovery journey, the hardest thing I faced was learning what was a normal amount to eat again. For others, the hardest part of recovery is getting treatment in the first place. B-eat are helping this to happen for more and more people. So that’s why I’m running 26.2 miles for them. Because there are currently around 1.6 million people in the UK with eating disorders. And if the money I raise helps only one of those 1.6 million, then I’ve made a worthwhile difference.

I’m also running the marathon to inspire others. To show 16 year old me, that not only can I fully recover from anorexia, but that I can be so fit and healthy that I’m able to run a marathon. I’m hoping that I can show others who are in the dark midst of an eating disorder, that things really can get better.

You can read more about b-eat and what they do at www.b-eat.co.uk. Please, if you are able to, sponsor me at www.justgiving.com/abinichollsruns and spread the fundraising page far and wide.

Thank you for taking the time to read this rather lengthy post. Thank you to all of you who supported me through my eating disorder, you’re kindness, patience and compassion means more to me than I can ever put into words. And for those who didn’t know about my eating disorder, please do not feel upset that I didn’t tell you. I don’t tell anyone, it became a dirty secret of mine. But now I feel able to stop hiding it, and use my experiences to make a difference.

Time to marathon: 2 months

It appears you have to eat a lot when you're training for a marathon!

So it would appear that I am not eating enough. I can tell because I am tired all the time. That coupled with an average of only 6 hours sleep per night, and I’m rather exhausted by the end of each day. Today I managed to sleep in until 10.30, and then promptly fell asleep again at 2pm for 3 hours… A lot of this is due to stress, but I know that eating more will help me feel less tired during training at least.

This is such a typical first world problem right here… That I need to eat more. I mean, I get my normal food intake, and always have plenty to eat, but I’m still eating the same as I was before I began training. In a world where everyone is talking about obesity, it can be hard to change your mind set to actually deliberately eat excess. But it’s not excess, it’s only what I’m burning off through training. The problem is I’m just not hungry. It’s strange how a long, hard training session can actually make you lose your appetite, when intuition says it should do the opposite! Fortunately I have great advice from my dad and from Catherine which I’m trying to implement.

I have iron supplements now, to ensure I’m not becoming anaemic. And I’m adding extra snacks in wherever possible. In particular I’m trying to make sure that my evening meal is full of carbs to give me energy. I've started using sports drinks and protein bars for during and after training. And I’m prioritising sleep. Although I’m not drinking in the week, I’m still going to the pub with friends, and can easily stay until closing. But the past couple of weeks I’ve left an hour earlier than usual to try and get more sleep.

It can be frustrating when you don’t have enough energy to train. My muscles feel strong, but they still tire too quickly. And I feel tired all the time, though that’s pretty normal for any postgrad student. Though after my long sleep today I’m hoping I’m caught up, and feeling much more positive about my long run tomorrow morning :)

Time to Marathon: 2 months, 2 weeks and 5 days.

Feeling totally unprepared

So it's exactly 12 weeks until the marathon. I realised that today and just sat and laughed. Because right now it seems like a fricking impossible task! It doesn't help that my training sessions this week haven't gone too great (is the cold making anyone else feel under the weather?), resulting in having to add extra sessions. So I kinda hate running at the moment, which I hope I get over soon...

Joking aside, I think this weekend is the first time since I set out to do this that I have actually felt genuinely unprepared. The anxiety of the race hit me, along with the worry that I'm not doing enough or that I'll lose motivation and end up not training enough.. Plus I've been getting so bored on longer runs. Fortunately the boredom is something I can change. I bought a new album of running music to listen to with some great songs on it so that will help. And I'm finally co-ordinating with running friends to go out with them to make it more interesting. Because being alone with your thoughts for around an hour a day can actually start to drive you a little insane. Or in my case, a little more insane than I was to begin with..

So if anyone fancies motivating me, or whatever, that would be appreciated! I currently don't feel like my body can physically ever run 26.2 miles (actually 26 miles and 385 yards, but who's counting?)..

Time to marathon: 12 weeks

Small setbacks

So I missed three days of training this week. Totally my own fault. I've stuck to my only drinking at weekends rule. However, Sunday night's couple of drinks in the pub ended far messier than intended. I blame good company and the fact that we buy drinks in rounds on totally losing track of my alcohol consumption. That, and the bottle of vodka that is now no longer in Emma's freezer...
So Monday turned into hangover day, as did Tuesday... And now I'm really paying for it because I have to make up for the missed training.
But it's not the end of the world. I hopefully won't make the same mistake again until after the marathon! Which will be made a lot easier by Lent beginning soon, when I'll be going alcohol free.
Training is a huge commitment, which I'm not sure I fully appreciated beforehand. It's not just the 30-60 minutes of exercise I now have to do each day. It's the lifestyle changes, the not staying out late with my friends, not accidentally getting drunk with those friends, ensuring I eat proper, healthy meals and many other things... It's a healthier lifestyle, granted, but it can be hard to stick to...

Time to Marathon: 2 months and 4 weeks

Progress and achievements

Anybody who knows me well, knows that I have problems with anxiety and panic attacks. So I have no problem admitting that I see a counsellor weekly, to learn how to cope when panic strikes (I personally think more people should have counselling, it can be so useful to talk things through with an objective, non-judgmental person). This week we were discussing some of the harder times that I've gone through in life, and how actually, I've always done my best. It's so easy to trivialise our achievements, but we really shouldn't. When I tell people I'm training for a marathon, the most common response is about what an amazing thing it is that I'm doing. And every single time I just brush it off with something like "oh, it's really nothing". But it's actually not nothing. It's a lot to do for a good cause. I'm not trying to be arrogant, but I'm trying to start actually praising myself, and recognising my achievements. And I recommend that everyone does this, even if its only to yourself. Actually giving yourself some credit for the things you do, even if they seem little.

This journey towards running a marathon has already changed me so much. For example: it's Saturday night and I have coursework due on Monday.

Me before I was training for a marathon:
I'll have a nice bath, get my pjs on early and curl up in a blanket on the sofa for the whole evening to get this work done.

Me now:
I'll go and do a quick 2 mile run followed by some stretching and completely exhaust myself after a long week before having a short shower and curling up in a blanket on the sofa for the rest of the evening and getting this work done.

The route I ran tonight I ran 2 whole minutes faster than I did back in November. Measurable achievements like that make me feel like I'm actually achieving something.

So from now on, I'm going to give myself credit for my hard work and celebrate the small victories I have along this journey.

Time to marathon: 3 months and 2 days

Running with Asthma

I've been asthmatic for as long as I can remember. I have had to take daily medication for almost my entire life. Even as a competitive swimmer I was medication dependent. I've gone a couple of winters with back to back chest infections and multiple prescriptions of antibiotics and steroids. So when I started running a year and a half ago, I was concerned that it was going to be too much for my poor airways.

At first, it was hard, and running for more than ten minutes made my chest feel like it was on fire. But over time it got easier. I've now not had to take regular medication for an entire year. My peak flow is the best its ever been in my entire life (although still lower than a healthy person). Running has actually improved my breathing so much, so that I rarely use an inhalor these days.

However, as winter drawers in, the risk of chest infection increases, as the cold air really irritates my airways. On the really cold days, this means I'm simply unable to run outside, and have to use the gym instead. But mostly it just means being careful. Wrapping up warm is all I really have to do. I have a buff that I put round my neck and pull up over my mouth to warm the air before it hits my airways. This makes running in the cold much more manageable. It still hurts sometimes, especially the first 5-10 minutes while my body is warming up, but compared to two years ago when I couldn't even walk to uni in the cold because I had an asthma attack its a huge improvement.

I may always be asthmatic. I accepted that a long time ago. But it seems finally to be under control. It just shows what can be done with perseverance. I'm not saying that running is the cure to all asthmatics, everybody is different and there are many people out there whose asthma is far worse than mine has ever been. But for me, running has completely transformed my life for the better. And although I'll always be a swimmer at heart, I couldn't imagine my life now without running.

Time to Marathon: 3 months and 12 days